Sgt Grit Marine Forums

************************* DON'T BE AFRAID TO SAY HIS NAME Please don't be afraid to say his name. He lived and was important to us. We need to hear his name. If we cry and get emotional talking about him, please understand it isn't because of something you said or did. The fact that our child has died causes our tears. They are part of our healing. Please don't devalue our child's life by removing his pictures or other remembrances from your home. We will have our emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. Please don't think that if we have a good day, our grief is over - or that if we have a bad day, we need to see a psychiatrist. The death of a child is different from other losses. It is the ultimate tragedy, not to be compared with the loss of a parent, spouse, or pet. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so please don't shy away from us. We need you. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child. Allow us to feel these emotions without feeling guilty. Don't expect our grief to be over in six months. We will never be cured or former bereaved parents, but will forever more miss and grieve for our child. If we are not publicly hysterical, please do not consider that we are strong or doing well. Our minds and hearts are very likely screaming, and it is only a matter of time before we have to escape the public eye and retreat to our privacy to cry and scream. Please send us a note saying you're thinking of us or praying for us. We draw on your support and strength. Although we aren't feeling socialble, your cards are important to us. Understand our physical reactions to grief. We may gain or lose weight, sleep all the time, or none at all. Birthdays and holdays are difficult times. Please tell us you are thinking of our child on these days and share your memories with us. Avoid comments like "Get on with your life, you'll feel better", or "If you keep busy, you won't think about him". We want to think about him. Denial is much less painful than the reality that is our terror. Don't suggest anti-depressants. We are not depressed. We are sad. There is a big difference. The only way to get through the grief is to experience it. Understand that grief changes people. We are not the same people we were before our child died. We are forever changed. Try to get to know the new us, maybe you will still like us. Be patient with us. When in doubt of how to act around us - just ask. WE WILL NOT FORGET OUR HEROES OR THEIR FAMILIES!

Two outstanding posts Lori,this one and Triangle of Stars. Both need to be posted on the Open Forum where more people will see them. It seems, unfortunately, that not too many people venture down here,and that's a shame. We need to remember the fallen and their families and not just with lip service but in some tangible way that helps the families. Sorry,didn't mean to get started on a rant,this isn't the place for it. Semper Fidelis, Chris

Having lost a child, I think I know what these families feel. I suspect that my own loss is one of the things that makes me shy away from this forum. It is like a painful reminder. But if anyone comes up with a good notion of how we can help the Gold Star families, I'm game to help.

Pretty good advice up there in the top post I think. One thing I would avoid would be comments akin to "I lost my uncle last year and ...". I know this is an effort to empathize but that's not the same thing. Losing a child is the same thing pretty much and passes on something that you do understand, at least in part. I also suggest being aware of large outward mood swings, sometimes a GS Parent will feel like doing something and then when the day comes they have to regret the commitment. It happens. It's the "Gold Star Two-Step". Invite them to do something anyway just understand why the bail sometimes at the last moment. The advice about understanding the GS Parent is more than willing to talk about their lost son is very true, at least at times, but it can be best to let them bring it up when the moment is right, but don't hesitate to mention him when appropriate. Those awkward silences during some conversation where a comment would be appropriate are tough. I also suggest avoiding opinions about the war or Bush unless the person invites it. It is not pleasant to intimate anything that suggests a parent gave up his son's life for a lost cause. Nor is it a great idea to go the other way. This is a tough subject for GS Parents in general, even among themselves. Showing interest in the other aspects of their lives is usually good - asking about their other children, hobbies, work, etc. It helps remind people that they have lives to live however deep the hole in them will be.