Sgt Grit's Marine Forums

 hi!!!

i am new and i just really need some advice. 

my boyfriend just got back from iraq about a month ago, and he seems so distant. there are moment were i am feeling like he doesnt want me around and it hurts. i dont know what to say or what to do to help him open up to me. i am wondering if its normal for him to be so closed out. we been dating over 2 yr. and this is his 2nd deployment (he has been in the marines for over 4 years). i dont know how to help him, i want to but i dont know how. 

 help.

 thank you :)

Hey girl-

I'm sorry it seems like he's having a rough go being home! Without knowing your boyfriend, it would be really hard to say where his head is right now. But my boyfriend, Aaron, and I still go through this kind of thing. There is a definite decompression time that takes place after a deployment... When he was in SOI and for the first two deployments he was super distant and agitated all the time. He told me once that he didn't know how to be a Marine and a boyfriend at the same time. The second deployment he lost a few of his guys and I know that made a tremendous impact on him. And it seemed like the harder I tried to help out the worse it got.

For us, I had to remind myself that I had no way of knowing what went on during the deployments unless he told me and really had no idea what he was going through. And if he wasn't talking about it he probably had a reason. In the beginning, I thought that he should open up and talk to me and that THAT would be a way for him to keep his head in a good place. But that's not the way it works. At least not with us. What was going on with Aaron had nothing to do with me. It was stuff he had to work out on his own... without my 'help' (hard to swallow). So, I told him "You tell me what you want me to know on your terms and in your time. Just know whatever is going on and no matter what, I love you." And from there I dropped it entirely and gave him some space. After I did that, it was like he trusted that I wasn't going to make him talk about anything he didn't want to or that I was passing any judgement on what happened while he was deployed... and he eventually started coming to me and opening up on his own. But it took a good bit of time.

You can't do any of the military stuff for him, you know? You have to trust him to take care of it and give him the oppurtunity to. What you CAN do is love him and be standing by if he needs you.  Just be very patient with him and give him time to find his feet.

If he is suffering from PTSD, that is different. And I would encourage you and any one else dating/marrying some one in the military to do their research. Look in the PTSD forum on this site. John Wear always posts websites to look at and gather info. You should do this even if he doesn't show signs of it.

Take good care and I hope things start looking up for you two!!

 hey

thank you ... its been really just weird, i guess its kinda hard since this is my first deployment with him ... i never dated a guy in the military till alex (my bf) so i guess its hard. thank your for your advice its actually really helpful. 

 Branna, I must say even though I'm not in Shuchi's position, but your insight helps put things into perspective for myself as well. Every time I tell myself "I just need to give him his time" and even though his best friend (who is on his second deployment with him) even tells me "Just let him alone for a while, you'll see what happens", that female nature to want to be there and fix stuff just overwhelms! Haha. It's a little harder I think in my situation, because we're both on the deployment together, so that distance from being deployed doesn't apply, and I can see the changes as it happens... But constantly reminding myself that I can't be *pardon my language* on his nuts all the time helps so much, so thank you for that.

IW1987,

Seriously anytime! I don't know how much help I'll be in the future but if you ever need to bump anything around let me know! I can't help on any of the being married questions because we aren't that far yet... but I've been with Aaron for a good five years and didn't find this website until 2008! Duh! It's definitely been a trial-by-fire kinda deal (pardon the pun? Is that a pun?).

I do have to say that I have often wished I could go on deployments with him, so I wouldn't go crazy back home... in truth it would be a horrible idea... but I'm a little jealous of you! I hope you two are safe where ever you are and thank you both for what you're doing!!!

And God Bless!

 haha yea thats true except i wish i could know whats going on in his head

 hey!

i m sorry i didnt respond we just been having some issues, but we been togather for 2 yrs ... and yeah going to deployment with him isnt the smartest idea ... i thought about it few times i dont think it went well