Sgt Grit Marine Forums

 Alright ladies.. this is a tough one.. and I honestly hate even having to bring it up.. but I really don't know what to do.

 

As I've mentioned in previous posts, Nick hasn't always been the best boyfriend in the past... and has done some things to me that weren't so great. This hasn't gone unnoticed by my parents and they have been very against us being together for the past 2 years. Tonight when I got home from work my father started screaming in my face and told me that if I was going to be with Nick that he would no longer financially support me and I would be on my own as far as paying for college, rent, a car, etc. Obviously, this puts me in a bind.. I don't want to lose the relationship with my family and I don't want to have to quit school, but they are unwilling to forgive Nick for what has happened in the past and let me make my own decisions... so what can I do? 

 

 I'm so distressed and so heartbroken. :[

Unfortunately this is a decision that only you can make because I don't know your committment to college, your ability to live on your own, or your relationship with your boyfriend.  There has to be a reason why your family thinks that he is so horrible to give you an ultimatum like that.  Have you thought maybe they are right?  If you don't think they are, then look at it this way, tons of people pay their way through college, pay their rent, their bills all on their own without any help anyway, so it can be done.  Maybe try to work something out with them where you will pay your rent and bills and they will still pay for your college as long as you aren't married. 

Sometimes I think our parents do know best...not always, but sometimes.  Many years ago, during the year break from my husband, then boyfriend, I dated a guy for close to a year that was a complete jerk, deep down I knew he was a jerk but it had just become comfortable, he never hit or yelled at me or anything like that but he was uncaring, dumb, a cheater, just a crappy person and my parents tried to tell me all the time what a loser he was.  Finally after almost a year of dating, it hit me on the head like a ton of bricks that he really was a loser and I thank them so much for trying to make me open my eyes to see that I deserved better.  A month later my husband came back into my life.

 Good luck, I know its not easy trying to make a decision like that.

This is something you have to make yourself. Go with how you feel. If you want to be with Nick and your family won't financially help you then that's ok. Tj and I were 18 when we moved out on our own. Paid for our rent and everything ourselves plus we were pregnant. We both never had our parents buy our cars and I paid for my college my self. So it CAN be done. Good luck to you.

Did something happen recently to make him have this screaming fit? I can't see why after you dating for 2 years that suddenly he would do that without something going on that ripped him apart. Is it possible that they know things that you don't know?  Its time for a round table meeting and he needs to tell you why he suddenly hates him so much.

 Can you make it on your own without the support of your family? It wont be easy making it on your own and you would have tons of student loans but it can be done. Your parents have the right to spend their money anyway that they want to just as you will have the same choice some day.

In our lives, when we make the touch decisions, we must remember there are some things in life that are permanent and there are others that can change with the wind.  Our parents and our children are always the same, but sometimes the boyfriend or the husband is  just passing through.

 I totally know where my parents are coming from.. don't get me wrong, if it were my child I would probably feel the same way. Nick made some bad decisions in the past and I had to decide whether or not it was worth forgiving him and working through it.. and I decided it was. College is really important to me though. I don't want to have to give up my dreams to be with Nick, but at the same time if that's the only way I can go about being happy.. then I may have to try to figure out another way to pay for school. I know my parents just want to see me with someone who will treat me right and there is no fault in that.. but I wish they would trust my judgment a little more. Blah.. there's just no easy way in figuring this out.

Thanks for the advice though ladies, I appreciate it, as always. 

"I don't want to have to give up my dreams to be with Nick"

I think you answered your own question here.  Bye the way, happiness comes from within not from other people.

 Hmm perhaps I could have phrased that better.. The better way to say it would be... I don't think I should have to give up my dreams to be with Nick. Yall are gonna have to go easy on me this morning.. didn't get a lot of sleep and I'm pretty tired. I love Nick very much and yes, I agree happiness doesn't come from other people. But I also know that in the times Nick and I have tried going our seperate ways I have been verryy unhappy and I know that having him in my life is important to me. I think I can get all this figured out. It's not gonna be easy, but few things in life are. 

 I'm with Patti- What has happened recently to make your dad so upset? I understand that this has been going on for awhile, but why has he decided now to give you an ultimatum?

I am sorry but I think I would be at least considering what your parents are saying.  I agree there must have been something recently that happened that has been the straw that broke the camels back.  There has to be a reason for this drastic intervention all of the sudden.    

I'm sorry hun. I agree with the rest of the ladies here. I know i'm only 21 but I was in a situation where my parents didn't agree with my relationship. Sometimes we want something SO bad we choose to ignore the bad spots. We have this idea in our head on how we want things to be and we just miss the little yellow flags. I know that not every relationship is perfect and we all have our problems, but  your parents see something that they don't like in this relationship. I know it seems hurtful and unfair sometimes but they are just looking out for you. This is a tough pill to swallow. I was always one to think that my parents were clueless and had no idea what my life was like but I guess we have to remember that they were our age once. They've learned through experience and don't want to see you in a bad situation. There must be something that has triggered your Dad to be so upset. Sit down and talk to your parents about it all. There must be a compromise in there somewhere. Good luck hun!

 I wish there was a compromise. But no such luck. I've given both sides a great deal of consideration... it is what it is. I'll figure it out somehow. Thanks for all you help.

I would hate to be in your shoes, becuase although my parent's and I had a huge falling out over a similar situation, my livelihood was not at stake at the time.

 I will say this: When my mom freaked out on me "out of nowhere" over my ex, she was right, and she truly couldn't even pinpoint what the issue was. I didn't realize how right she was until after I was in a bad marriage and going through a horrible divorce. Now, she hasn't even MET Jon, but from hearing about him and talking to him on the phone a few times she is pushing for us to get married.

At the time we had the falling out over my ex it was a little while before our wedding & I thought she was just being overprotective and not wanting to see her little girl get married yet---I learned the hard way that she knew something was wrong and was trying to help before it was too late. Besides, consider your own words--you said if it were your daughter, you could see yourself feeling the same way.

 

Now, that may not be the case for you, but it's something to consider. I wish you the best of luck and will send prayers out for you. 

I dont think that I would want to sacrifice my college education (the possible foundation of the rest of your entire life) over a guy that you know yourself has treated you badly. I wish to God I would have listened to my parents about 99% of the stuff that they suggested. I didnt learn that though until the day I had a child of my own and thats just part of the process of growing (learning your own lessons), which is what they said would happen. Love blinds people, I know this. But is it worth damaging the relationship with your parents whom you know for a fact would NEVER hurt you? Not to say your parents are a wallet but are you ready to give up their very thoughtful financial support in hopes that he will change? What if he doesnt?

 

Hahaa the interesting part of this story is that in the 2 1/2 years Nick and I have been together my parents have only met him once (this was of their own accord, not his). Thus why I feel that their opinions of him are slightly without merit. I don't feel that you can truly make a judgment of a person's character when you've only spent 30 minutes with them and it was 2 years ago. I love my parents and I know that they're just afraid I will get hurt again but I guess I feel like before they take this matter to such extremes as threatening to no longer pay for my education (something I have EARNED) they should actually get to know Nick. He has changed and grown a lot over the past 2 years... and in my opinion, he at least deserves the chance to show them that. But perhaps I'm being immature about this whole situation. All I can do is continue to pray about it and hope that it will work itself out without any life changing decisions being made.

I hope everything turns out ok, .. talk to your parents as well as Nick, listen to what your heart tells you but most importantly .. what does your gut tell you to do?   Best wishes  and I will be thinking about you.. hang in there.

                                                   xoxoxo

I can not tell you what to do in your situation, but I will tell you a story about myself. When I was in college I came home with a guy (who I thought was GREAT!) One of the first things my parents said to me was that if I got married before I finished my education, that was it, they would not pay for my education any longer and would not help me in any way. It took some time but I learned that my parents must have known something in just that first time of meeting him that I didn't know because I broke it off with him ( a little more than 2 years together). In those 2 years he became a totally different person than anyone I would want to be with. I didn't date anyone serious again until after college and that was my husband. My parents were hesitant about my DH because of previous men I had been with (and also unfortunately because he was a Marine), but they have learned to love him and accept him. Your parents don't want you to get caught up in being with Nick and not concentrating on your education (and as much as you say it won't,sometimes the heart makes the mind do the wrong thing).

 I may have you confused with someone else (sorry if I do!), but didn't you say you were going to marry Nick when he comes home in 2 weeks? If you are, then I can completely understand why your parents say they will no longer pay for your education after you are married. Yeah, it sucks, but if you're married then you are a grown woman and should take responsibility for that. It would be great if your parents continued to pay, but the fact is that they never had to pay in the first place. A college education isn't a right that every kid has, or that you earn by having good grades- it's a priviledge to go to college and I think a lot of people (myself included) forget that. You can still go to college- work and get some loans. My parents pay what they can, but I had loans and I had jobs to pay for extra things like movies, clothes, etc. It can be done without parents if you really want to go!

wondergirl:

Yeah, it sucks, but if you're married then you are a grown woman and should take responsibility for that. It would be great if your parents continued to pay, but the fact is that they never had to pay in the first place. A college education isn't a right that every kid has, or that you earn by having good grades- it's a priviledge to go to college and I think a lot of people (myself included) forget that. You can still go to college- work and get some loans.

ditto. my parents not once offered to pay for college which i understood and am perfectly ok with. And your parents have more than a half hour to judge their opinions on. Every time you are around them and talk about him or have a reaction to something he says/does they base more of their opinion.

    I have to agree with the ladies above me--you didn't "earn" the right to have your parents pay for your college. Unfortuantely there are people who work just as hard as you did/do and don't have parent's who can pay for it. The fact that they are providing a roof over your head past the age of eighteen and paying your bills so you can continue your education is something they are doing because they want to, not because they have to.

 

And again, back to my original story, my mom only met my ex husband once, too. But she knew. I sort of agree that it is possible in that time he has changed & they don't see it...but it's also possible that they know you well enough to sense when things aren't right and they can see/hear the things going on in the last two years well enough to know something isn't good. 

wondergirl:

 I may have you confused with someone else (sorry if I do!), but didn't you say you were going to marry Nick when he comes home in 2 weeks? If you are, then I can completely understand why your parents say they will no longer pay for your education after you are married. Yeah, it sucks, but if you're married then you are a grown woman and should take responsibility for that. It would be great if your parents continued to pay, but the fact is that they never had to pay in the first place. A college education isn't a right that every kid has, or that you earn by having good grades- it's a priviledge to go to college and I think a lot of people (myself included) forget that. You can still go to college- work and get some loans. My parents pay what they can, but I had loans and I had jobs to pay for extra things like movies, clothes, etc. It can be done without parents if you really want to go!

I agree.

Parents don't "owe" their children a college degree. I paid my way through college and law school... It can be done, even if it may take some personal sacrifice.

Not to sound cliche, but if Nick is the right guy for you, he will still be around once you finish college. A college degree is something that NO ONE can take away from you. It is so important hun. I have fought and bickered with my parents over every single thing but I am so glad they kicked my butt and gave me ultimatums and made me finish school. Now I am very lucky to have a great paying first job out of college with great benefits and my boyfriend is still here with me.

I am sorry you are in this situation. Pleas remember that we are not entitled to anything! "something I have EARNED)"  Parents are not required to pay for your education. If you have graduated high school then you have "earned" the right to attend college not have your folks pay for it.

Your parents have probably based their opinion of Nick on the information that you ahve given them. If they have only met him once, then they can only base their opinion on what you tell them! If they have a negative opinion of him, it could be because that is what you chose to show them. If you shared your pain and disappointment in Nick in the past, then it is only fair to say that your parents would feel negatively about him.

 Why would your dad blow up at you out of the blue? Think about that. I am sorry you have to suffer through this, but life is a lesson.

 

 Thanks again for everyone's advice. Looks like I'm just going to have to deal with whatever decision Mom and Dad decide to make. I wish they would be a little more open minded, but you can't change the way other people think. I'll finish school no matter what the outcome is... it's something I've always wanted and I'll figure out a way to get it even if Mom and Dad decide they aren't going to pay for it anymore.